Lincoln Aficionado Pillows

Lincoln's last heir, like many descendants of great men, wasn't above cashing in on his great-grandfather's fame.

You ever wonder what the world would be like if Lincoln had lived? Stop! I'm tired of everyone trying to blame my great-grandmother for what happened! I mean, sure, she could've let J.W. Booth down easy, instead of mocking and taunting him until the shame made him snap. But blaming her for what happened hours later is just unfair! The history books are so incomplete. She always got blamed for everything. Like the time she set off a firecracker at Fort Sumter. How was she to know?

Abraham Lincoln

'A Ball at the Mansion House'

The Gettysburg Address in process.

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

A trevor of trainspotters

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

Tom Hanks

Swells - Men's Fashion

"Pretty cushy, am I right?"

"Just the slippers is fine!"

'...but there MUST have been something about a rail go-slow on 'News at Ten'?'

'Egad! It's the ghosts of sanity past!'

Christopher Nolan caricature

'No, no. I told you to look for a precedent.'

Trainset

S**t Creek Halt

"Reports now confirm that Abraham Lincoln has stopped turning over in his grave and is angrily burrowing his way to the White House."

Ellen Page

'I'm making one of the craters into a birdbath.'

Shirley MacLaine caricature

"Nothing like the History Channel to get you to appreciate these peaceful times we're enjoying."

Gillian Leigh Anderson

Whoopie Goldberg

"In honor of your birthday I had your face tattooed to my ass."

'Sometimes I think we shoot too much film and too few actors - give me your gun!'

The Wickerman (Hollywood style)

Sofia Vergara

Arnold Schwarzenegger going to a party as Bach.

'How about that? -- Lady Godiva got a bouffant!'

"And here - take this Vin Diesel monologue with you!"

Arnold Schwarzenneger caricature.

Man takes sandwiches left beneath a 'please take one' sign

Scrip Doctor