Light-hearted Parent Prints

"Where was I? I was either away from my desk or in a meeting."

'Completely unacceptable. I don't know how any son of mine could… Oh. OK, I see you even failed the DNA test.'

Striving to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, scientists attempt to harness the energy of a toddler's tantrum.

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

Martians looking at Earth - 'One day son, all this will be yours.'

"So, Mrs. Fessler, I understand you're a stand-up comic."

"I don’t see how confirming who I like best will help this situation."

"No dessert until you eat all your candy."

'My wife and I can't have dogs!'

Husband and Child in Pram

'Next time your kid has a party, blow up the balloons with an airpump!'

"And this is Joshua, he'll be a hundred and forty-seven months next week."

Half-A**ed Publishing Presents...

"It took the better part of seventeen years, but you finally get me."

'You can stop looking-I just remembered I didn't wear my retainer today. Funny, huh?'

"Oh come now, darling. When I was your age, I felt different, too."

'Please feel free to tell me if Junior is in your way...'

"What did you learn in school today that I'd object to?"

Kate's Evil Plan: 'Danae...I got a letter from your teacher today...she say's you've been very well-behaved lately...and is worried about what you're really up to.'

"No, I thought YOU put the picnic basket in the car."

"Look what I found in the garage! My old music speakers!"

Mobile Phone Mobile.

'Tell dad he did a lousy paint job.'

'Do you mind if my son watches you cook? I'm trying to bring him up to be a vegetarian.'

'We just have to stop meeting like this!'

'Wow! I'm a dog person too!'

'Come on. You've been nursing that pint for hours!'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"Were the 'Trolls' internet trolls?"

'A grass box for the children is a wonderful idea.'

"Don’t tell Mommy, but it’s OK to use swear words during the playoffs."