Light-hearted Financier Pillows

'I received your cheque twice, once from you and once from the bank.'

'I've tried all night without potting a ball.' - 'Try taking away the wooden frame.'

"Sorry, stock-market jitters."

"We've made $7.50. Can we retire yet?"

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

"Because of the economic situation they've relaxed the rules."

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

'Look at you. You're a basket case.'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

'I bet he gets a better rate of interest than me!'

"We're making progress."

"…Ommmmmmmmmmmmmoooooney, heh, heh, …ommmm…"

'Does he do anything besides watch the money?'

'I'm an economist, but I try not to take myself too seriously.'

'Could I get back to you on that one? My broker says my stock went back up!'

Got anything for the small investor?

"We try to inject a little humor in our statements, but you should take them seriously."

'Perkins, what about this trip on your expense account to 'Fantasy Island'?'

'A wonderful sermon, father; I liked the part about a time to sew and a time to reap. When would you say I should cover the naked December calls I sold last month?'

'My dad showed me how to make awesome paper airplanes out of corporate bonds.'

'I'm here to test the magic 8-ball.'

'We put the little old lady of Threadneedle Street into a care home.'

The Stock Market Giveth. . . The Stock Market Taketh Away.

'I'll be seeing you again right after our Quarterly Earnings Report.'

"I'll invest, but you must promise none of my money will go towards that Robert Mugabe."

'It's not quite as bad as it looks - they're only witholding payment until we publish our expenses.'

'A tithe is defined as a tenth of your income, Mr. Talmadge -- not ten percent of whatever you happen to have in your pocket on Sunday morning!'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

'I tried to take some money from the kitty like you said, but she wouldn't let me!'

'My investment portfolio is a mixed bag. It's performing well but it lacks panache.'

Next in business news we report on companies facing financial difficulties. Who's a good boy?! You are! Purr purr purr. You sound just like a motor boat. I will never understand human financial issues. The reporters were saying going belly up is a bad thing.

'The buck stops here'

"You state here that God is the head of your organization. Any chance you could get Him to co-sign this application?"

"Yes, reverend, all our stocks are faith-based.2

"Relax, Eddie. Our research division says the fundamentals look good."