Lifestyle Guru T-Shirts

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

'It says, 'Take on step at a time.' Wait a second, that can't be right.'

'Cut back on the women and song. You can still have the wine though.'

Life In The fast Lane: '24 hours without food is a long, long time...'

"Obesity is neither contagious or genetic, and yet, it is passed on, from parents to children."

"Stuffing your face while watching TV does cause obesity."

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

"My fitness goal is to be able to shop till I don't drop!"

'Do you realise how many years I've had to work to develop this lifestyle? And now you're telling me to change it!'

'You could use some of this too!' (Woman to overweight cat.)

"Your results show you have the body of a young man, unfortunately it's an very obese young man with chronic health problems."

STRIP Hambone: computer running a diet programme

"Our state made the list of the highest obesity rates. Maybe we should move."

"You need to cut back on the fine wines, red meats and dull meetings."

"My online account predicts the things I should own, then buys them with my credit card. It�s very convenient, but I do now need to move to a larger house."

"Yes, doctor. I realise I'm in great shape for a fifty year old. The problem is I'm only thirty two."

"Stress is killing you—you need an easier job, a smaller house, and a different family."

Doctor's advice.

'12 varieties of pizza does NOT constitute a 'varied diet'.'

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

'I can't guarantee that giving up smiling, drinking and sex will make you live longer, but it will certainly SEEM much longer. . .'

'What happened to you?'

'That's way too irregular. I recommend regular exercise.'

Bone vivant

Perfection

Who Asked You?

Does your soy latte use soybeans grown in the US or in East Asia? Why do you ask? Over 90% of American soybeans are genetically modified and sprayed with herbicide. They may cause hormonal changes, especially in men. Loss of sexual desire, development of feminine-looking breasts ... I figure lattes are cheaper than hormone replacement therapy. The economy's still not great.

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

Self help acupuncture

"All I do is swim and eat plankton, but do I lose weight?"

You only have time for one: Choose your fighter - Exercise, Wash Your Hair, Eat, Breathe

CLOTHES-HORSES OF THE ART SCENE

"I spend my day prepping for a good night"

The adoration of the gels.

Handbag store - "Perfect."