Lethargy Legend T-Shirts

"Doesn't seem like 6 hours on the couch, but you can't argue with a lethargy tracker."

"This stool shall pass."

Swiss army knife

Homo Zapiens

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

"Why don't I clang some utensils, make 3 grilled cheese sandwiches and we call it an early night?"

The Nihilist Deli.

"You know... if we don't find some ambition we could find ourselves still just laying around years from now." "Sounds good to me!"

Would you run through that again? On. Off.

"They call you Abominable and me a monster, and they don't even know us."

'What'd ya' think the Pope was gonna do in retirement?'

'Mrs. Philip, please chew my food for me.'

"Looks like a case of Death by Missed Adventure."

Cold Remedies

"I thought you gave up TV."

"Here's an idea, instead of you signing off checks why don't we pay people electronically?"

Forty years in the City and never once was I headhunted.

Cheese maker

You did what? I posted your last will and testament on all the social networks. Now everyone knows you left your feminine hygiene products to the Smithsonian. Why would you do that you @#$%^?! Ugly picture taken. Posting to Facebook … now. Well-played, cretin.

Are you ever worried people will see all the stuff you put online? Not at all … because I don't put anything online. I'm not on Facebook, I'm not on Twitter, and I conduct all my business in person so they can be charmed by the twinkle in my mustache. You are looking at a man who's totally off the grid, little buddy. It's like talking to a Neanderthal. I also shave with a razor-sharp sliver of granite my grandfather bequeathed unto me.

'My transplanted heart is 29, my transplanted kidney is 41, my transplanted lung is 38 and the rest of me is 59.'

'If it hasn't gone away in a couple of weeks, come back and see me.'

'Herb has gone 100 caffeine-free.'

'I love a bit of classic 70's comedy.'

"I kept a diary of everything I haven't got around to doing for the last 30 years."

Zimmer parking at the Darby and Joan Club

'Mine is a rags to riches story. Actually, it's more like an off-the-rack to a $20 billion family hedge fund story.'

'You fight the Gluten Hordes, make your way through the Peanut Fields, battle the Lactose King...'

'Herb is into low impact television.'

Happy 90th.

'Oh, he couldn't be sleepwalking - he's far too lazy for THAT.'

"I make a point of sleeping in."