Legal World Satirist Pillows

Lawyer with no work makes himself look busy

Trial by Media

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

Yawning barristers in court

"Permission To Treat Prosecutor as Hostile, Your Honor?"

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

"Thank you for the rewind, Miss Cooper. Now let us fast-forward to that fateful moment in February and hit the pause button."

'He started it!'

Antonin Scalia

"I got probation."

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

'That's the lawyer in me trying to get out.'

'It's all just an unfortunate misunderstanding, Your Honor, it was 'Talk Like a Pirate' day, and,,,,'

'It's an idea whose time has come, Mr. Mayor -- 'drive-through traffic court'!'

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

The annual running of the lawyers.

"We calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96."

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

'Cut out the hearsay and get back to work, Ms. Sims.'

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

'Your honor, we are appealing on grounds the post-trial book deals didn't match the pre-trial publicity.'

"I sentence you 500 hours of community service - You can start by mopping this floor."

'Littering, Your Honor.'

"The legal people are terrified of litigation but I insisted that we write an apology to the client of the lack of service. . . as long as we don't sent it!"

'I hope you don't mind. To save time and money, we've sworn in the firing squad as the jury.'

'I seem to have brought the wrong brief case, your honor.'

Robert Macaire as a Barrister

'That's the last frivolous law suit I want to see any lawyer wearing in this court!'

"Of course, if you get your client off in the initial trial you're throwing away the appeal fee."