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'Your mastery of the facts is no match for my opinion.'

'And it should be noted that when the prosecution called my client a liar, at no time did my client's pants start on fire.'

"I like the numbers on this company. They show a very impressive acquittal to conviction ratio."

'I think we're in luck. This judge likes 'nut' cases.'

My character witnesses are available, they all out on bail.

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

'Darling I want you to remember this always,,,'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Your French dip, sir.'

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

QUINTUPLE BYPASSES EXPLAINED.

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

hard-boiled egg...

Fast food. Even faster food

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"You're such a good listener."

"I guess I'm more of a why-wolf."

Stoneage puncture repair kit...

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

'I believe we've located the cause of your back problem, Mrs. Kangaroo.'