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"You have a pretty good case, Mr. Pitkin. How much justice can you afford?"

'They presented us with an ironclad contract that we were able to totally reinterpret.'

"You're not going anywhere until we finalize our estate plan."

'And then I said, 'So sue me!'...'

Inland Revenue VAT - "Mr Batson, the consequences are here."

"Why do you want to know if you're covered by workers comp?"

'I'm afraid, Reverend, that what the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.'

'Ms. Hempworth, check with our legal department...why must we obey the rules?'

'Great news, I finally got your 'stay of execution'.'

"It's a fitting name. I walk you through the prenup agreement and counsel you through the divorce."

'Power suits are great for up-and- comers. For you, I recommend the wrongful dismissal suit.'

Appeals Court Door Bell - Keep pressing.

"Can you recommend something for the attorney who got me everything?"

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

Pay Cut for QCs: 'I put it to you that this strikes at the very foundations of justice!'

'As we all know your deceased Anna Clara was a devoted cat lover...'

"This is my last visit, Martha. I got the marriage posthumously annulled."

I sue negligent children!

"Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, the bitter truth...."

"Bad news - your DNA was delicious."

Client speaking to a legal advisor

"Ambulance chasing is all well and good. But the serious money is in bottom feeding."

'Before I give you your bill, Mr Fraser, can I ask you to step onto the crash-mat.'

'It looks as if they want an out of court settlement.'

"I, Mrs Trellis, being of sound mind leave everything to my beloved, Tiddles."

'He's a compensation lawyer waiting for an accident to happen.'

'I heard your licence was revoked.'

"According to the insurance company, you don't have a leg to stand on."

"Reconciliation? Are you crazy? Think about all your pain and suffering! Think about my retainer!"

"First, we discuss my percentage of any water you find, real or imagined."

'I want a divorce, a divorce, and a divorce.'

Clairvoyant - I want to divorce my husband. He's having an affair next week.

'I've been sued. Can I counter-sue for the stress caused by being sued?'

'Don't worry, our speciality is jungle law.'

"A last wish? Tell my defence lawyer he's not getting paid."