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'It's a thin line between love and contempt of court, your honor.'

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

'Well, I hope you're a people person -- the prisons are very overcrowded.'

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

'Thanks, we really appreciate this. Yeah, the middle button. Don't worry, it's auto-focus - just aim and shoot.'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

"And finally, I implore the jury not to take my clients lack of alibi and blatant lies out of context."

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

'Nonsense, Harry, it's my treat. I'm filing for bankruptcy tomorrow.'

"My next witness is his Google Assistant."

'You got twenty years for hunting without a license? Kind of stiff, isn't it?'

'Insofar as all parties have agreed to mediation, I've taken the liberty of hiring a medium.'

'I'm in for burglarizing a store, but I got a reduced sentence because I only stole sale items.'

"The charge is loitering, your honor."

'Hello. Law offices of Anderson, Avery, Baer, Barton, Baston, Caggly, Cooper ... drat, who comes after Cooper?'

Judge chasing fly with gavel.

'Do you mean LAWYER?'

"It was a typical 'His lawyer said/Her lawyer said' situation."

Prosecutor's Office. The judge threw out the confession --- He said it was coerced. You violated the duress code!

'...And zap him quick, before that bleeding-heart Governor gets back from vacation.'

Decision on the flip of a coin...

"We find the defendant guilty on all charges, Your Honor. On the positive side, we really liked his openness and energy."

"I'm certain you're fine, but my attorney would like to see you naked."

"The jury will disregard the defendant's statement that he will donate 100% of his criminal earnings to the Concerned Mobsters for Eritrea Fund!"

"See, there it is.Thou shalt not bake cakes for gay couples."

"I got connections. We'll pull a few strings, get you out of here in no time"

'It all started when I told him I resented people calling lawyers assholes, because I'm an asshole.'

"Now, if something happens to your marriage, do you want do-not resuscitate?"

'My client's defense is that the bank was an attractive nuisance.'

"My client claims the verdict discriminates against guilty people."

'Overruled. Now answer the question. We could all use a good laugh.'

'...please instruct the puppet to remain silent and let the witness answer for himself.'

"It was 'im wot ruffled me bonce, judge, as I was politely getting into 'is car."

'Early to bed and early to rise. I like a saying with an escape clause.'