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'It's a thin line between love and contempt of court, your honor.'

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

'Well, I hope you're a people person -- the prisons are very overcrowded.'

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

'Thanks, we really appreciate this. Yeah, the middle button. Don't worry, it's auto-focus - just aim and shoot.'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

"And finally, I implore the jury not to take my clients lack of alibi and blatant lies out of context."

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

"My next witness is his Google Assistant."

'Nonsense, Harry, it's my treat. I'm filing for bankruptcy tomorrow.'

'You got twenty years for hunting without a license? Kind of stiff, isn't it?'

'Insofar as all parties have agreed to mediation, I've taken the liberty of hiring a medium.'

"The charge is loitering, your honor."

'Hello. Law offices of Anderson, Avery, Baer, Barton, Baston, Caggly, Cooper ... drat, who comes after Cooper?'

'I'm in for burglarizing a store, but I got a reduced sentence because I only stole sale items.'

'Do you mean LAWYER?'

'...And zap him quick, before that bleeding-heart Governor gets back from vacation.'

"It was a typical 'His lawyer said/Her lawyer said' situation."

Decision on the flip of a coin...

"We find the defendant guilty on all charges, Your Honor. On the positive side, we really liked his openness and energy."

"My client claims the verdict discriminates against guilty people."

"I got connections. We'll pull a few strings, get you out of here in no time"

'My client's defense is that the bank was an attractive nuisance.'

"Now, if something happens to your marriage, do you want do-not resuscitate?"

'It all started when I told him I resented people calling lawyers assholes, because I'm an asshole.'

"I'm certain you're fine, but my attorney would like to see you naked."

"See, there it is.Thou shalt not bake cakes for gay couples."

"The jury will disregard the defendant's statement that he will donate 100% of his criminal earnings to the Concerned Mobsters for Eritrea Fund!"

'...please instruct the puppet to remain silent and let the witness answer for himself.'

'Overruled. Now answer the question. We could all use a good laugh.'

'Early to bed and early to rise. I like a saying with an escape clause.'

Judge Duels

"It was 'im wot ruffled me bonce, judge, as I was politely getting into 'is car."

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'