Lay Off Pillows

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

Very Difficult Conversations

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'

'To show you I'm not all bad, I won't be letting you go until after 'Bring Your Child To Work Day'.'

The breakup

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

"He used to be a senior fact checker at Meta — now he's just a pedant."

"You're all hashtag summarily dismissed."

You're Employment has been terminated -Smiley face lol

'There's new evidence that my departure from my previous employer merely coincided with their brain drain.'

'I'll have what's left of my people get in touch with what's left of your people.'

"Here's one I wrote myself. It's called 'Blues for the Guy I'm Laying Off.'"

'I'm afraid we have to let you go. As you know, you're entitled to a 'Golden Handshake'...

What Bob thought outside the box.

"I gave you the axe. How dare you come back and use it to intimidate me."

"But I was told this was included in my severance package."

'Our employees agreed to be frozen until there's an economic upturn.'

The 12 Days of Covidmas

"Maybe we should've done layoffs after the holiday party."

"Don't forget to torch the place when you leave."

'I'm leaving this damn job at the end of the month.' - 'How did you find out?'

"Just when did you leave your last job?"

"They told me my parachute would be golden. Turns out it's pyrite."

'Relax, I'm not here for you. Just for your job.'

'You do outstanding work, Nelson, but I'm afraid Higby makes me look better.'

'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'

'I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.'

'And if you become homeless due to this layoff, you can pitch a tent on my estate...'

'OK everyone get out... we're downsizing!'

"Guys, I can't afford to be laid off."

"I'm not good at confrontation, so unscramble this phrase in your head for a surprise message."