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'OK, Mrs. Dunn. We'll slide you in there, scan your brain, and see if we can find out why you've been having these spells of claustrophobia.'

'It's a simple operation. You'll be good as old in no time.'

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

"I think it stopped breathing."

'Who wants to be examined first?'

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

"Turn your head and cough."

'That's not what I meant by 'IV'.'

'My goodness, how many miricle drugs did they give you?'

"Well, you may not have the body of an athlete, but you certainly have the foot of one."

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

"I try to 'go with the flow' doc, but my prostate is an unwilling participant!"

'I think you'll get a kick out of our 'haunted' MRI, Mrs. Hanratty.'

It's a pretty serious chemical imbalance, Mr. Sims

'I've discovered you have feet of clay.'

Prescriptions: "Jack of Clubs?"

"Here comes the super-visor."

Johns Hopkins School of Best Medicine

9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer.

Deep in the Heart of Texas: The Cholesterol Kid.

"Look, look … someone wrote unoperable."