Last-page Enthusiast Pillows

"Hang on, last page."

"My novel is not a doorstop!"

Rare Books

"Are all Brits bisexual, or just the ones who publish their diaries?"

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

"Here are today's leading factoids, and I'm Skip Shumaker, spoon-feeding them to you!"

Reading

"Just as I thought! You used our competitor's paper for your resume!"

JET (Part I)

'OK, who moved the photocopier?'

"Expedition log #57: Like the rest of the week, I expect today will be another uneventful day."

"And remember, people, it's better to light a scandal than to curse the darkness!"

Bibliomaniac

"Although your discovery is very important, the consensus is that your article about it lacked suspense, and was completely devoid of humor."

Editor. Short. Sweet.

"I'd never have known the joys of a journal if my attorney hadn't insisted I keep one."

'I want to sue my veterinarian. He didn't keep doctorpatient confidentiality and blabbed about my sex change operation to the tabloids.'

'Y'know it started as a bedtime story he told his kids.'

"Do I have to answer that? I wanted to sell all this stuff to the tabloids!"

Gossip columns: 'And rumour has it that singer, Kelli B is said to be in shock after finding out longtime boyfriend, actor Todd Korfull, has been having an affair with, now get this, KELLI'S agent!! YEEOUCH!...' A column talking

Roald Dahl's books updated for modern sensitivities.

How very Independent!

'Inflated gloom!'

"It's only insomnia if there's nothing good on."

David Letterman

List making as therapy.

'My advice; forget the elephant in the room - focus on the Quad Demy.'

'Oh great, now, not only am I cursed, but my photo is on the front page of the tabloids...'

I figured out how these folks keep guaranteeing the precise day the world ends. Shhh. Keep it down. Why? It's a scam? If you read the read the fine print, they are promising that the world will begin to end that day. Could take forever. It's a no-lose scam … Shhh! What? It's scary when the world might end. There are a lot of people out there who need comforting. Women people, I presume. Women people, I presume. Who take comfort in necking. And you belittle their fears?

"The adult coloring books are a big hit."

"Have you figured out what the powers of that new super hero will be? How about the power to meet deadlines? That would be a good power?"

'Normally I don't like a newspaper because of its pictures.'

'It says 'three percent split infititives, 8 percent passive verbs, 16 percent compound-complex sentences,average sentence length 26 words,paperback rights $3.2 million,movie sales $8.3 million,total take $11.5 million,less 5 percent agents fees.'

"Then write it up for The Journal of Surprising Discoveries."