Last-minute Magician Pillows

"It's the first week of school and already I have a 10-page report due tomorrow!"

'Help me, Mom I need help!'

"She's done it! The formula for work-life balance!"

Shed Into Dream Playhouse.

"Three weeks until the pitch, LOADS of time!"

The end of summer is near and you still haven't made plans

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

The louder the kid, the tighter the lid.

'It WAS rather unkind of you to hide his bottle-opener, Mrs Jones.'

"I'm thinking that now is a good time to start those tutoring sessions."

"A laptop has been installed in each rest room stall."

Counseling $10. This end up. I think we're making progress. I want to kill you both.

"It's made from all our old leftovers. I call it 'Rescue Casserole.'"

Does "worldly goods" include intellectual property?

"Today's special is puréed sweet potato on cracker."

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

The writer's world

'I still have time for both work and family - thanks to cloning.'

Adrenaline is flowing down there with lots of last-minute, panicked Christmas shoppers! The DNA is frantically looking for heirlooms that'll be passed on in succeeding generations. It seems no price is too high for the helium atom - it's buying everything! Meanwhile, the neutron can't charge and hasn't been able to buy a single gift! Tempers are getting short! A big nerve angered other shoppers by blatantly cutting in the checkout line! And there's a quarrel over a parking spot with a whit

'I find that coming in late and leaving early makes the day go by faster.'

Procrastinator's Leap.

"We can go with the hormone-replacement therapy or skip straight to the husband replacement."

man in suit carries pile of books with sticky notes

'No pudding until you finish your oxtail soup!'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. VII

"It's a new way to stretch leftovers. Saw it in Homeopathy Now."

Lady vicar offering new bride a husband owner's manual.

"I've just finished crafting a non-violent solution to our problems."

Man watching a flower slowly wilt, and just as its about to die he waters it

Procrastinator's Leap

"There's an editor out here with an unsolicited manuscript lodged in his throat."

Last-Minute Gifts

'But I don't want to give you the impression that there was some kind of magic formula for my success.'

'They hired me to work on a ceramic engine.'

Why do my wife's lips move when I'm talking.