Landowner T-Shirts

'Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, because I own the damn valley.'

"I've sold my airspace."

The Wrongs of Ireland

Man caught trespassing having fallen through ice

"I heard they bought thousands of acres around here."

Landowner Counts Sheep

The Land Grab: Then and Now

"Our light bill is astronomical living next to a black hole."

'We have 800 beers on tap. If you want to hear all of them, you'll have to get here earlier, we close in six hours.'

Use your imagination.

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

Best Before 5th Pint.

'When he comes through that door, let's all jump up and give him a big kiss!'

It's our new twin-handle beer mug. It's for manly, two-fisted drinkers, as well as weaklings like you who can't lift it with one hand.

As long as there are husbands, we'll get our's money's worth!

'I still want to be a cowboy.'

The native sweet bay species will make a beautiful grove. They'll give you pleasure and increase your house value! Tree's tree nursery. Hmm

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

"If the weather stays good, we could end up in a very prestigious 1992 Cabernet Sauvignon."

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

'Son, someday this will all be yours. Or Wal-Mart's. Whoever pays Daddy the most.'

The Cat's Alarm Clock

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"Our seasonal special is spiced pumpkin apple butternut squash ale. Would you like that in a frosted mug or over ice cream?"

"Someday, son, all this will be yours. It'll be under water, but still ..."

Gypsy curses didn't seem so threatening after the Mummy went into the peg business.

A bar selling 'crafty' beer is more popular than a bar selling 'craft' beer.

'It's only four acres but we're glad we bought it - he's always wanted to be an expert in his own field.'

My friend, Ernie, the documentary filmmaker, is producing a series about beverages. One film follows a man's search for the perfect lager. The working title is "The Beer Hunter." He found a group of young women in high school who are fantastic baristas. "Bean Girls." Espresso. Another movie will uncover animosity in the orange juice business. Maybe I should call it "Pulp Friction." And he's examining vineyards and winemakers all over the globe. I'll call the film "Planet of the Grapes"!

"The pH level seems a little off."

"Thousands of craft beers and I still haven't found one with a smooth, kibble finish."

"DID YOU SEND THIS?"

'The Hunt family have solved the problem of the fire ants.'

Brewery Lorry has Saloon Doors.