Kitchenware Philosopher Pillows

"My parents are really upset. I'm dating a guy who's not microwave and dishwasher safe."

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

We are shaped by what we love! Especially pizza and doughnuts!

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

Recipes from the Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

The Origins of Everything

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

"My inner child wants to have a playdate with your inner child."

"I now pronounce you a partial place setting."

"I just don't want to be 'that' waffle."

"Steak, Richard, is just grown up veal."

"Where's my order!? This service is terrible! That stuff will be cold by the time it gets here!! What's the hold-up!?!"

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

'Ah, Garbanzo, truly you are a noble bean.'

'Most, yes, but they're not all carcinogenic!'

He wouldn't be calling the kettle that again.

"I've been a chef for far too long...."

"I was supposed to rinse them first? So, you're telling me somebody designed a machine to wash dishes, but we're supposed to make sure we wash the dishes before we put them in the machine?"

'Leeks can disappoint you and garlic will break your heart, but only onions make you cry.'

'Guys, I think this is one of those 'let it go' moments in life when you have to relax and just trust the processor!'

'Mom, am I store-bought or homemade?'

"I can't remember if I'm off red meat, or eating nothing but red meat."

It's crème brûlée, Julia. It doesn't have a subtext.

'You always say you'll do things tomorrow. . . but you never do.'

'I can dish it out, but I can't take it.'

'Why make the cake? If he's the Creationist you say he is, he'll prefer you bought it ready made.'

A slow-moving predator, the couch only needs to eat every few years.

“Face it, dear...you’re a chair. You’ll see a lot of ends, but very few beginnings.”

'If nothing sticks to Teflon, how come Teflon sticks to the pan?'

"That's your separation anxiety? When the oil separates in your all-natural peanut butter?"