Kitchen Timer Master Pillows

'Thaw for 24 hours. They should have told me that yesterday.'

Jack of all trades

"They grow up so fast."

'I'm going to make a batch of my ginger biscuits.'

"'TSP' stands for 'teaspoon' not 'two solid pounds'!"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Jeff soon discovered his mistake in ordering the one ton soup.

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

GMOs: The Next Generation

"What time did you say you wanted me to start drinking?"

The dress uniform of the Catering Corps

Kiss the Commander in Chef

"Dear Diary: Today I ate, groomed, napped. Ate, groomed, napped. Ate, groomed, napped ... HAIRBALL!!"

"I'd like to toast our guests."

"OK, duty roster for today: Ken is to scout for entrees, Tim for mains and of course, Tina for desserts..."

"This controls the speed, this opens the door and if you press the red button a maintenance man appears and gives you a very large bill"

A chef teaches a classroom of other chefs how to properly flip something using a spatula.

National Coffee Day

Onion Tears

"I''' have the misspelled 'Ceasar' salad and the improperly hyphenated veal osso-buco."

"Wow! The big guy! And what kind of B.T.U.s am I looking at here?"

The secret lives of household things.

Cook being told what to do by housemaid

"Dad, did you know Tia Carmen got a job at my school cafeteria?"

"How 'local' is the fish?"

'Beat 3,000 eggs and add one quart of 10-30W oil? So much for putting my recipes on the computer.'

"The blender just texted—we forgot to turn off the stove."

'Would you like that organic, locally grown, carbon neutral, fair trade, trans fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free and peanut-free?'

'I'll have the 'All of the above.''

Mankind's earliest ancestor emerges from the primordial ooze, closely followed by a prehistoric species of re-sealable plastic containers.

'The chef says sorry but he doesn't do rare.'

"I'm trying to decide between water and sunlight."