Kitchen Entertainer Pillows

"I just did '23 and me'... and like, I kid you not, we might be related."

"Step right up, lady and gents, and scoop yourself a heaping helping of the best spicy meat and bean stew this side of the mighty Mississippi!"

Pizza Throwing

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

'Like death by salad.'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

Wok. Don't Wok.

"....Oh, and the dog's eaten all the fridge magnets."

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

"It's a new countertop draft system for craft beer!"

"I call it 'rage loaf'."

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

Why did Ernie take that off his wrist and put it here when he had to leave the kitchen? For safety reasons. A watched pot never boils. Ernie says you are what you eat. It's true in his case. Ernie is just like his food. He is sweet, and has some but not too much spice. Plus there's nothing artificial about him. Also like his food, Ernie is an acquired taste. And to me they have both become irresistibly delicious!

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

Chef uses Harp to cut Sausages

'I was in the catering corps.'

'Does this thing get channel four.'

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

The Complete Spaghetti Dinner.

Chef copy robot

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'