Jocular Jokester Mugs

'Do you know what speed you were doing Sir? Could I see your tax and insurance, and is all this stuff in the back yours?'

A Pirate at the Opticians.

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"It that it? I don't have my contacts in."

'Gravity...Go figure!'

"Bed Spread"

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

Growth Charts

"Merry Christmas"

'If I thought for one moment that you were identifying...!'

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

"I'm off, I only popped in for a swift three units."

'I'm SECRET Santa, kid.'

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

"Redcoat is down! Repeat, redcoat is down!"

Men dancing

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

Who says religion can't have a sense of humour.

Poisson d'Avril!

'Barry I think it's time you had your eyes checked!'

Doctor about spinning plates on patient: 'I'm concerned about his platelets.'

Elf of the Month

"You want me to explain how there were two doughnuts in the larder and now there is only one? Easy, it was too dark in there to see the second one."

"Maybe this year..."

"I think Baxter needs a break."

"I'm a writer/painter/filmmaker/poet/actor/comedian, manic-depressive goes without saying."

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

'But sinister gales - with that armour?'

Ways to Misuse Ventriloquism

"Ralph - you'd play better golf if you had your eyes checked."

Santa Claus stuck in a chimney sitting in a hospital emergency room.

Cleaning the Horse

"That's right, Robert. Santa sends us a copy of his naughty and nice list, and we send him our students' grades."