Job Search Strategists Pillows

Help Wanted!

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'We manufacture micro computing circuits. We're looking to hire someone who can anticipate the next small thing.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

Do you have any other skills?

"The only hobby we tolerate is working on weekends."

"Here at Global Com we're looking for people can 'think outside of the box'..."

'And finally. . . where do you see yourself on the food chain 5 years from now?'

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"He's the best our AI recruitment algorithm could fund, unfortunately our AI is really stupid."

Perks Featured in Vacancy at Toy Company

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

"No, you definitely wouldn't get Christmas Eve off."

'I don't understand. You've wasted the whole interview going on and on about what you know... I think you'd better start telling me who you know.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Actually, there's no interview necessary. Just pull out the sword and the job's yours.'

"Right now it's between you and two hundred and fifty other people who came to Seattle, moved in with five roommates, joined a band, took a job in a coffee bar, got fed up, had a meeting with themselves, and decided it was time to go out and find a real job."

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

'I'll be honest with you. The pay isn't great.'

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

'I'm afraid you've failed the Turing test.'