Job Application Expert Pillows

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

Personnel - "This letter of recommendation is full of misspellings!"

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Curious how all four previous employers spelt 'exceptional' with just an 'x'.'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'I'm also fluent in Geek.'

Do you have any other skills?

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'Impressive resume, We'll verify it through Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr and get back to you,'

'I'm afraid that the top investment banks are looking for more from job applicants than a 'Top Degree from the University of Hard Knocks'.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

'So you have a PhD, big deal, everyone working here has one! The question is, what can you really do?'

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

'I'd hire you, but the word is going around you guys are practically extinct!'

'I'll be a responsible and mature asset to the company, as proven by the lack of asinine photos of me on Facebook.'

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

Job Interview Gone Bad.

'I'll need more than I can spend.'

"My resume is concise, succinct and eloquently worded. I only hope they know what I'm talking about."

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."