Ironic Scenario Enthusiast Pillows

'You have to trust me, I'm not a doctor.'

"Lasagna anyone?"

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

Emergency Phone.

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

I thought you said Megson couldn't be bought.

"Wait, you're firing me?! But I was Time magazine’s Person of the Year!"

'My next selection is a protest song against piano lessons.'

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

'This year, executive bonuses are tied to performance. You owe us $50,000.'

'I'm being promoted to The Capable Office - he said I'm incapable!'

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'