Investment Strategies T-Shirts

'If the universe is expanding, shouldn't we invest?'

"No, I don't want to buy any individual stocks. You should know that girls just want to have funds."

"I'm adding some safe-haven assets to your portfolio...gold and Ozempic."

'Corporations' studying a city for its 'pros' and 'cons'

Stock tips box outside investment company office.

If you're so good at picking winning stocks, why do you still have to work?

The high tech crash of the early 2000s...and the depression that followed.

Our Motto: Buy Low Sell High is the Best Revenge.'

'Now that I have your attention...'

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

"Stock options for your thoughts."

The day the stock market went UP.

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

Robot Parts $5

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

In the Guru District

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

Large Dollar Sign Office Block

Profit

"If a stock falls in the market, and it had no investors, does it really lose its value?"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

Businessmen trying to prop up a line-chart with sticks

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'Quick! We need a bigger chart in here!'

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

Mario Draghi

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."