Interview Ironman Pillows

'I've had some replies to those job applications I sent off.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

Do you have any other skills?

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

Help wanted. Various positions available.

'Cat job interviews.'

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

Bad Interview Technique

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

"I'm a great ... umm... like ... umm... like... umm ... communicator."

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"