Internet Analyzer Prints

"I'm glad you took the trouble to diagnose your own symptoms using the internet...and you'd be 100% accurate...IF you were a GOAT."

'I remember when you used to look for answers using your astute powers of deduction.'

"But can't I be feared and loved?"

Alternative Medicine

"Thanks for considering me for the job as head of cybersecurity, but I already hacked into your network and gave myself the job."

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

'See, dear, you can't believe everything you read. It says so right here on the internet!'

The new Physics

Says here the Navy's going to be patrolling the South China Sea. It could spark a history-changing war. Google tells me the last time a Naval conflict changed history, it was the Battle of Midway. You were alive at that time. How awesome was it to already be ancient when Midway happened? I never expected a question like that from a prepubescent stooge like you. Was it as awesome as when you saw Cleopatra lose at the Battle of Actium? I see you're bringing Google's a-game today.

"Didn't I warn you about buying medication from the internet?!"

"I hear you have been split testing our online advertising campaign. I haven't got a clue what that is but stop it now."

"He'd make a wonderful main character for a short story, but I wouldn't put up with him for an entire novel."

"I thought they introduced the witch a little late."

"I only told a few friends."

"We've stared at the election map for so long it's become a Magic Eye poster."

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

"Yes, I'm a superhero. I'm not attractive, muscular or charming because I work in the 'cyber crimes' division."

"If this is secret information the government doesn't want us to know, how come we can read about it on facebook?"

"They'll never guess how we stole their data."

Spam traps on mobiles

"I've already go t a diagnosis from homedoc.com..."

"According to our eye tracking studies,either nobody is looking at the content on our site, or all the participants have lazy eye."

"The tweet you posted last night struck a chord around the world, united all factions, and basically altered the course of humanity."

"Jeez, Alice, at least Google him first."

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

"Pff! That orang utan's obviously a crisis actor!"

The Darknet starts right here.

Soon The Moon Will Have Cellphone Reception Better Than That One Part Of Your Commute

Berlitz guide to Scamese

'He's been a lot better behaved since getting that laptop.'

Psychiatry. Why go on a voyage of self-discovery when I can just Google myself?

"Feeling like a skinny person living in a fat person's body is actually quite normal."

'It's simple. First we look at the upside. Then we look at the downside. Then we look at the upside-down side.'

Doctor, I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead. Don't believe everything you read on the net.

'Four out of five websites disagree with your diagnosis.'