Inspirational Gift Gifts

'Optimist'

Picking pastries.

"Captain, we've taken on strippers."

"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Fred, Sam, Brian, John, Walter, Jeff...."

The Authentic Christmas.

'This game is going to be a character-building experience.'

"You got this, Nana."

"Do you have a Venus Fly Trap?"

Solitaire card shark.

"The Valentine's Day gift that has it all - a card made from edible flowers dipped in chocolate!"

"Brothers, what we do in life echoes in eternity, if only through the lyrics of a Coldplay song!"

"I don't care how traditional it is. On this ship, it's women and children first!"

"For someone in the hospital, I'd recommend this arrangement -pleasant colors, a nice variety, and they all can be eaten for medicinal purposes."

Hope

'I'm giving mostly gift certificates this year, so I wrap them with junk from the garage to throw people off track.'

"I got the best gift ever! A phone call from my brother in Afghanistan!"

'No, I won't pay $200 for a silk top hat for your snowman!'

'You've been looking a little scrawny lately.... Hey!— You're not missing another rib, are you?'

Helicopter as a clothes drier

I think the best part was when we decided not to record it.

'Cheer up, Lenny -- We all have our bad decades.'

The cat version of a gumball machine filled with mice.

Cocktails for dogs

"I have this 'I love Susie' tattoo on my chest and I married Doreen yesterday!"

'It's hard for others to understand, but Edward really likes cross dressing.'

'I talk to myself because I'm the only one who LISTENS!'

'In appreciation of his thirty years as head galley slave, Narvak receives his retirement gift'

Fakir being hurt by acupuncture.

"After 35 years of Diligent service...management present you with this award." -MUG

"OK, now I'm having a bad day."

"Yes, but a book token is lighter"

'Do you know what?... I wish I'd learnt how to swim!'

"Fetch!"

Family Pub - with Granddad, Granny, Parents, kids & baby all stumbling out drunkenly.