Infidelity Irony Lover Pillows

'There's a simple explanation, dear. Someone stole my identity.'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'Tomorrow we'll look back on this as a night to remember.'

"OK, well, if you do hear anything, be sure to give us a call."

"Jughead, Reggie, Betty, and Veronica—they've all been locked up. But you, Archie—I had higher hopes for you."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

"It's not you, Glen—it's your ex-wife. She's behind me, isn't she?"

"Well, I have bad news for you, too."

'He became a dissident Dissident in protest at the Dissidents.'

"Hold it right there buster! Is that a wedding ring I can see?"

'How did you ever get a good conduct medal?'

'The tracks are getting fresher. He's close by.'

"Nah, not my type."

The Grim Reefer: 'DUDE,that was,like,your last puff,MAN.'

"There was actually a little romance while Jim and I broke up. Our divorce lawyers fell in love."

"You cheeky little monkey, Stephen, trying to pinch a chip."

'This can't be paradise - the reception is terrible!'

'I think we should start seeing other people.'

'...I'm leaving you for Reg next door'

Sanitizer

Man being prodded into hell by a demon meets a charity collector with clipboard, asking: 'Hello, could I have five minutes of your time?'

'He never did any work in the kitchen when he was alive, so he can make up for it now.'

"Please Mr. Ainsworth - He may talk!"

'The first rule in business, mother, is to never trust anyone. Now go back and walk through the metal detector...slowly.'

"They always go for the dangerous types."

Buck's Truckin' - "Safety third!"

'I'm wondering where my wife is.'

Stuck SUVs

"My wife's been seeing a psychiatrist. Also a pilot, a gardener and a plumber."

'ARRGH! ARRRRRGGH!' Cupid's arrow has actually killed a man during his courting a woman

"Do you realize that that was the first time neither of us was married?"

'I was wrong, your mother doesn't hate me.'

Mafia Checkpoint.

"Oh my God! How could you? His feet stink, his breath smells, he's got spots on his bum..."

'Yes, Mr. Humbolt, I found evidence your mistress is cheating on you with her husband.'