Inept Performer Aficionado Gifts

"The card you are thinking of is... the fifth of Jacks!"

Marcel Marceau's parrot

Opening night at the circus: "How's everyone's jitters?"

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

Circus

"Sorry, I meant to say "good luck", not "break a leg"..."

The Costumer Is Always Right

Tenors

Chorister's Loose Teeth

'...and on Bass...'

"It's Cinderella?!?"

"I find it comforting to have Off-Broadway plays in the background."

"Well, that's show business."

'Whoops. There goes one of my prostheses.'

"Yikes. I'm on in five minutes and still haven't figured out my character's motivation."

"So. Are you a mime, a puppeteer, or a ventriloquist?"

"What did I think about the play? About an hour too long!"

Can Can

'Son I want you to Follow in My Footsteps.'

"He's a rescue, and before that he was in Vaudeville."

'He's got a lot of talent and everything, but I just don't think he's cut out for talk radio.'

The clown loses it at the circus and takes the 'fat lady' hostage with a cream pie 'I'm not clowning this time, back-off or the fat-lady gets it!'

"I'm sorry I didn't find your wallet but I found six pairs of reading glasses!"

'I don't know much about Ballet but I like watching men in tights.'

Old Vic / Adelphi Theatre

"It's a panda-cam production of 'Streetcar,' but it is live theatre."

"That is today's special, sir, Spanish lobster flamenco."

"I don't get you. You can soft shoe, play the ukulele and juggle, but you can't fetch a pair of slippers."

Red Letter Days - A First Night

Pianist takes his bow whilst the singer carries on singing.

'Is this still part of your act?!'

"No, see...it's more like this...now that's funny!"

"Must be the life to work in a castle. You get paid by a rich king and you don’t have to go through every shift smelling elephant butt."

Three Little Maids from School, The Mikado