Identity Protection Prints

'Can't say. It's private.'

"I'll need to see some ID before you can settle this account..."

'Bernie's not really a transvestite -- he's just paranoid about identity theft.'

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie: My name is Morgan Peterson and I work with the finance house here in the Netherlands. Our late client, Mr. Williams, bequeathed his entire $650,000,000 estate to you. He was a big fan of your show. Anyway, so that the funds can be transferred to you, all I need is your bank account number and password, your social security number, name, address, phone number, birthdate, and the times when you are away from home. There is no risk to you. Sincerely, Morgan Peterson. I will h

'Someone stole my identity and now they're saddled with my low credit score.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"I'm not weird I'm a 'person of weirdness'."

Pinocchio's Second Realization

"It's not face paint. I'm transitioning into a snow leopard."

Plan to Split California into Six States Proposed....

I've Always Wanted to Be Oppressed By Someone Who Looks Like Me

'Hi, my name is Bruce Wayne, but not THE Bruce Wayne!'

"On a positive note, he's not our boss. He's the guy who stole our boss's identity."

'You have no idea how hard I've gotta work just to maintain my indie cred around here!'

'I use the clones to help prevent identity theft.'

'I can't believe an Alligator stole my identity... I mean, it's quite obvious I'm a Crocodile!'

A hard green shell on the outside doesn't always mean it's chocolaty on the inside.

"With this suit, I hereby establish dominion over my male identity."

'I'll have to keep my name after we're married.'

Britain sinking and losing it's identity.

"You knew I was straight when you married me."

'I'm here due to an identity theft.'

"Don't be fooled - that's Henrietta, cross-dressing again."

Secret Identity Theft.

"The best advice I can give you is: 'Be Yourself.'"

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

"I'm tired of being the cockroach you want me to be and not the cockroach I want to be."

'Sure, I can reprogram your microchip if you want to change your identity...'

"Sorry Brian, bit of a rush this morning - I've left my face in the car."

"The floor is now open for discussion of what to name ou generation."

"'Dear Mrs. Zeus?!' The name's Hera!"

"Millions at risk from identity theft - good thing I'm safe."

"That's an interesting question, Clint. I don't know if my gun rack is an authentic regionalism or just a macho affectation."

'I guess you'd call it a queer request. He wants his ashes put in a fruit jar and hidden in the closet.'

'Kenny,your mother and I have decided it's time you knew the truth - you're adopted.'