Humorous Investigator T-Shirts

"Do you recognise the giraffe who hit you?"

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

Totalitarian Humour

Safety Barriers

'Call the health inspector! The kitchen has a Brussels sprouts infestation.'

"I thought he would run all sorts of scientific tests."

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

'A WOMAN? -- Well, I'll be damned!'

"I'm sorry, Inspector Lestrade, but for reasons which I confess are sentimental, I feel I must, just this once, decline my services to Scotland Yard."

Murdered man spells out his murderer in alphabet soup.

"Perkins, the company isn't giving you a demotion. We like to call it a negative-trajectory promotion."

"So, you've got butterflies in your stomach, a bug in your ear and a bee in your bonnet. Any other complaints?"

The Banana Crime

'He died of too much money.'

'I've dealt with it - he's sitting on the naughty step thinking about his behaviour.'

'Just move along...Nothing core to see here.'

'How come your notebook has a sudoku puzzle on it?'

"If Santa knows when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake...is he with the CIA?"

Uncle Sam inside a Ukrainian brain.

"Looks like another case of someone over forty trying to understand Snapchat."

"Ha! I found you . . . and with my wife!"

The Friendly Loan Company

Wild life liberation front take 'live yoghurt' from shop.

'I think we caught this just in time.'

'Do you have any idea how many dryer related cases we get around here?!'

'A large hole has appeared in the wall of the nudist camp - Police are looking into it.'

'Relief fund relief fund.'

Go over there and say something...

'Uh-oh.'

Both human and pillow police work together to solve yet another double homicide.

Have A Nice Day (piss off)

'Fred,you've got to do something about those hiccups.'

Nick the Stereo.

Asbo Land

"It says here you're never too old for sex." "At least not the way you do it."