Humorist With A Conscience Gifts

Always let you conscience be your guide. I let my conscience be my guide, but it's non-binding.

"Great- now we're endangered and reviled."

Ethics exam cheater.

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

'Like you, I don't know why they feed us every day, but as long as they do it, I'll stay...'

300 cows in a field...grazing!

"I didn't see the coffee table in the middle of the room, due to my visual impairment, caused by the rubbish light emitted by the government approved 150 watt energy saving bulb in my apartment..."

"Roadkill cookies"

'Damn, I'm out of earshot!'

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

'I told you not to order the chocolate cream surprise.'

"You say we atheists are going to Hell? Look at all the f**ks we give... Go ahead... Look at them all."

"What do cows do in their spare time?"

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

'Before we begin, let me see what my fortune cookie says.'

'Peanuts, popcorn, steroids!'

Man in a tortoise shell visiting a psychiatrist.