Humor Theorist T-Shirts

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"

"Hey, Eddie, wanna hear a joke that's offensive now, in bad taste two years from now, funny in eight, and no one gets in twenty?"

'87% of the 56% who completed the survey thought that it was a complete waste of time.'

Here's the Weird Anti-Terrorist Trash Talk That Stayed on Donald Trump's Cutting Room Floor After the Manchester Attack

"The EPA is being shut down."

"If they figure out how to clone humans, we're screwed."

"So, how did that sign get there...?"

'Okay, tell me in your own words why you think you're inadequate as a ventriloquist. And try not to move your lips.'

'This gene is necessary for experiencing pleasure when watching 'The Three Stooges'. It occurs only on the 'Y' chromosome.'

"To summarize: the visual joke brings on a very fast reaction, but the verbal joke is remembered longer."

The End is Near - But then come the funny outtakes.

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"E=MC² Energy=Milk·Coffee²"

Intelligent people laugh too!

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Scarcity

"Je suis Descartes, donc, je pense."

Archimedes statue with a lever

Zenemies.

Optimist

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

Schrödinger and his cat

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

'I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but I still say that Shemp was the greatest of them all.'

A planet like ours - pub quiz dolphin

This action stuff is okay, but try a romance or comedy next time.

Axel, I notice you read a lot of highbrow books

"The problem is you say Nietzsche and expect everything to be just peachy."

"The studio's asked me to see if I can dumb down some Danielle Steel."