Humor Mill Pillows

'I think my marriage is in trouble -- my wife gave me a traveler's check for my birthday.'

Micro Psychiatry Clinic. You have a full schedule today, Doctor. The helium atom will be here to work on his fear of heights. The white blood cell with a germ phobia and amoeba with separation anxiety are coming in. The DNA molecule will be here about an identity crisis. And here, in the sports car, comes a new patient, a carbon-14 isotope. Ah, looks like he's going through a half-life crisis!

'Pardon me, Doctor; but exactly where did you study anaesthesiology?'

"That was a rumor day."

Gossip columns: 'And rumour has it that singer, Kelli B is said to be in shock after finding out longtime boyfriend, actor Todd Korfull, has been having an affair with, now get this, KELLI'S agent!! YEEOUCH!...' A column talking

'Trading was active in rumors, today...'

"Our stock is down. Start some rumors on Wall Street that it's going up."

101 uses of a dead cat: rollerskates

"We know how to treat old or stubborn workers. After all, this is a dog food factory."

"Of course I'm aware of all the office gossip. I started it."

'Well, it is just my opinion, but it's backed by the best rumor and speculation the internet can provide.'

'Ring binders Direct' 'Ace Laxatives'

'...Because its easy to draw.'

"I don't want it to look like I don't appreciate your qualifications and experience, but you're talking a lot of crap."

"You want to know what kind of criticism of Israeli politics I consider anti-semitic?"

"I'm trying to see if there's any truth to the rumor I started."

'Ed, can you remember what that rumor was you had started at that time?'

At the Laff-a-Mint

"Who'd like to go first?"

"My ears are burning - Somebody must be blogging about me."

"My exercise routine appears to be working as long as I hang around fat people."

'To this century's most obnoxious party guest...'

"There's a woman on tinder called Melania Trump."

'Is the information fresh?'

'Yes Sir that is the lowest calorie dish on the menu, the chef has even eaten the fish for you. He says it was wonderful.'

"You always get the good gossip out here around the vodka cooler."

"Oh, yes, we know them. We hate them."

Inspectors #2 and #3 inspect clothing.

'We deal mostly in rolling stock...'

"They've hired this new guy Trevor, a complete buffoon apparently!"

'I'd rather be in Philadelphia.'

'Rumour has it that his friend is hung like a horse.'

'Today's specials are some wonderful things the chef does with 'Hungry Man Dinners'.'

FIRST NATIONAL, TELLER, 'Thirty-seven dollars? -- you call THAT overdrawn?'

IRS Pay Taxes Here. If money did grow on trees, you can bet the IRS would be out on a limb!