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'This new invention is called a 'bed' -- lie on it and I'll tie you down!'

Ruddy bloggers!

'Not tonight, dear. I've got a headache.'

'It's a knock-knock joke.'

"The door stop is complete! Our next step is to invent the door!"

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

Apples for sale

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

Vlad the Impala

"You're on a what?!"

"No. I can't 'let it out a bit'. It's armour, you'll just have to go on a diet!"

'We might make more progress if we try working as a team.'

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"We're having one heck of a time building that trapezoidal thing of yours..."

"I'd say this pair of sixes beats your hand."

Sundial Time

"When are they going to change the 'feature'?"

"Hipsters"

'The wheel was easy, the owner's manual is hard!'

Men: Hating chick flicks since 1623.

The discovery of asparagus.

"It was a lot more satisfying before 'catch and release.'"

Name one serious woodworker who doesn't use state of the art kit. Thomas Chippendale.

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Crown Jewels

"Right here's fine."

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

'How could you flunk stone shop?'

The Fall of Gnome

A child at a museum starts to pull the wrappings off a mummy.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

An old-time engineer enters the cockpit on a flight.