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'This new invention is called a 'bed' -- lie on it and I'll tie you down!'

Ruddy bloggers!

'Not tonight, dear. I've got a headache.'

'It's a knock-knock joke.'

"The door stop is complete! Our next step is to invent the door!"

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

Apples for sale

Vlad the Impala

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"You're on a what?!"

"No. I can't 'let it out a bit'. It's armour, you'll just have to go on a diet!"

"There's only one 'L' in colosseum."

Mount Olympus Brewery. Those might be dangerous to open. They're Pandora's Bocks.

'We might make more progress if we try working as a team.'

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

"We're having one heck of a time building that trapezoidal thing of yours..."

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"I'd say this pair of sixes beats your hand."

"Hipsters"

It isn't widely known that Michelangelo was the first in a long line of cartoonists to buck the family tradition.

"It was a lot more satisfying before 'catch and release.'"

'The wheel was easy, the owner's manual is hard!'

"When are they going to change the 'feature'?"

Sundial Time

Name one serious woodworker who doesn't use state of the art kit. Thomas Chippendale.

"Right here's fine."

"Can Olaf come out to pillage and plunder?"

What's an Imax cave?

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Crown Jewels

The discovery of asparagus.

Men: Hating chick flicks since 1623.

"Why did we run out of wine?! I'll tell you why...Mary's son brought 12 of his friends who crashed the wedding party! That's why!"

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

'How could you flunk stone shop?'