Humble Handler Gifts

Caution Fragile

"I don't post selfies because I don't want people to feel better or worse about their looks."

Micro Psychiatry Clinic. You have a full schedule today, Doctor. The helium atom will be here to work on his fear of heights. The white blood cell with a germ phobia and amoeba with separation anxiety are coming in. The DNA molecule will be here about an identity crisis. And here, in the sports car, comes a new patient, a carbon-14 isotope. Ah, looks like he's going through a half-life crisis!

'If he could trace the matching sock I've another 25 or 30 to account for.'

Pushy Dog

'The word bath is mentioned.'

'There! Now he's tied to my satisfaction and ready for surgery!'

"A man never stands so tall, son, as when he stoops to pick up a quarter."

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

'Do you mind if I take a few pictures, Bill?

"There you go with that typical police mentality."

Jesus Christ

"He did it!"

"3:14 p.m. Suspect drives to lakeside resort. Rents rowboat under false name. Tosses evidence into... wait, how do I tell anyone?" Topper: Undercover police dog

I think you started off sending him the wrong message when you named him Alpha.

"Listen, buddy, a lot of dogs accidentally wee-wee at Westminster."

Police Dept. K-9 Unit. Just once I'd like to go undercover as a bad dog.

'It's not a bad little kingdom - as kingdoms go.'

'I wish I could do Search and Rescue too: When you're a Police Dog, the people you find don't actually want to be found...'

'Damn showdog people!'

'He's a sniffer dog-trained to sniff out dope.'

'Did you read my email about Timmy falling down the well?'

"She barks once for drugs, twice for weapons, and ten times for candy bars."

"I lost my way and wandered through this white hell for five days before your brave rescue dog found me and saved me from starving to death!"

"Of course I want to have kids, Claire - just not all the time."

"To tell you the truth, I never thought downward mobility would be so, well, downward."

"I do a lot for charity but I don't like to talk about it. . ."

"Yeah, but it doesn't smell like a bomb!"

"Hey, bro...it's the least I could do."

'...Because its easy to draw.'

"You want to know what kind of criticism of Israeli politics I consider anti-semitic?"

Suddenly Harry regrets ever using anything other than dog treats to motivate his team.

"I don't want it to look like I don't appreciate your qualifications and experience, but you're talking a lot of crap."

Jesus Seals the Hick...

"Barking's what I do, it's not who I am."