Human Resources Pillows

"In the interest of cultural diversity, we've hired Jason, here, who owns a number of hip-hop CDs."

"Because of inflation, I'm going to have to let two of you go."

'Here's your family dental plan.'

Urine Catcher

'Oh, you are such a BABY! Just how bad can a little paper cut be?'

"What can we do about this leadership course,,," "I don't know,what do you think" "Isn't there anyone we could ask"

We can do ANYTHING if we all work TOGETHER.

"What do you mean, you need to find a balance between work and family? We consider you part of our family."

'When I asked if you were flexible, Mrs. Harkness, I was asking about your hours!'

'We're going to have to let you go...we've found someone in china who's 45% better at being you for 24% less.'

'I think Jim is a little sensitive to negative feedback.'

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

'Thanks for coming in. We'll get back to you as soon as we lower our expectations.'

"Where would we BE without the right DOCUMENTATION...?"

"As you can see, we have thought carefully about ways of improving staff productivity in this company."

'It's OK, everyone makes mistakes. Look at me. I hired you.'

"Who do I hold accountable if you miss the deadline? Any next of kin?"

'Ed, I think we should talk about our 'casual friday' policy...'

'I'm going to train you to 'Confront Difficult People'... okay, raise your hands if you're a difficult person.'

"I'm looking for something really dull and repetitive."

'Yes, I received your resume that you emailed. I ran a fact check and I was wondering if you know that a half truth is a whole lie.'

'It's worse than we thought - there's going to be random testing for competence.'

"...how would you rate me on a scale of nine to ten?"

"I need time off to go back to college and party. Fraternity leave"

'We have an opening for a part-time intern, which could lead to a full-time unpaid internship.'

'Vicious, intelligent and ruthless? Certainly. But I think my biggest asset is that I'm a survivor!'

Over enthusiastic headhunter

Personality testing...

You are more than your job description.

Getting 85% on his patient feedback has gone to his head a bit!

'Yes, we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

'I guess our Performance Appraisal system is a little bit 'Old School'.'

'Thank you for the job offer, sir, but I'd hate to give up being an independent contractor.'

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

'He's worried that the 20% that changes is the only 20% he knows!'