Human Resources Manager Pillows

"I'm looking to hire a C.F.O. Anyone interested?"

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

"Before I forget, Detrick, here's the dental plan."

Positive and Negative Motivation

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

Desk trays - 'In' and 'Out-sourced'.

'We like to greet our Regulatory Compliance hires with one word - help.'

"So what makes you think you're the right person for this post?" "Well, I'm highly motivated, outgoing and independently minded. Isn't that right, Dad?"

"I see by your résumé that you're a woman."

'Stare at it all you want sir, but I can assure you, no one is going to jump out and yell 'April Fools.'

'In my day, we didn't concern ourselves with wimpy notions of workplace ergonomics.'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"I know you're a working dog, Angus. I just don't have anything for you right now."

"The good news is thet a number of GPs have agree to take action on a number of dangerous 'lifestyle' issues..." "And the bad news?..." "They've decided the best way to reduce their risk is by retiring!"

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

"I see you brought a stick. I'm impressed. You've done your homework."

'I think it's time to rein in Henderson.'

Suggestion box: 'Build a bigger Complaints box'.

"I see myself in a position where mediocrity is rewarded."

'So we agree: having attained diversity, we must now categorize, coordinate and consolidate it.'

'Your health and pension benefits will remain intact, but we have eliminated your salary.'

'We like the teamwork idea, but Billy won't let us play with his ball.'

"You knew it was a dead-end job when you took it 35 years ago. Why the sudden interest in life?"

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

Clients who show up early for an appointment are really annoying ??" especially when you work from home.

'The lab has come up with a neat solution to our staffing problem. These are junior executives in the larval stage.'

'I'm afraid turn out isn't as high as we'd expected...three of them misheard the date, five got the time wrong and everyone from marketing went to a hotel in Norwich by mistake.'

"This is Igor...he's responsible for enforcing the new personnel mangement protocols."

"I'm afraid your M.B.A. loses some of its lustre in light of the fact that you were home-schooled."

'It's saving us a fortune on retirement costs.'

'Having reviewed your work, we enthusiastically recommend that you totally disregard the noncompete clause in your contract.'

When mediation failed, they tried meditation.

"Hands up anyone who thinks we have a problem with DIVERSITY?"

"That's it? Salesman of the month, August '87?"

'He likes to introduce variety to his mentoring communications...'