Household Items Mugs

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'Frank built it himself. The last football will fall through the hourglass 10 seconds before the Super Bowl starts.'

"Careful. That house has a taser."

"Twenty five years... I think it's time we renew our towels."

Moses unblocking the toilet.

'But I don't want to be able to turn on the toaster with the TV remote!'

"Fine, you win. I'll call a handyman."

"Here's your sweater back."

"Two questions: What time are the guests arriving, and do you still want me to slice the pepperoni?"

A Visit From The Procrastination Muse

"It's all about compromise. He's not dishwasher safe and I'm not microwave safe, but we make it work."

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

"We should probably talk about the elephant in the Roomba."

"Well, dear, you can quit worrying about our roof!"

'Ned thinks the inventor of the vibrating easychair should get the Nobel prize for science.'

Ikea for Hippies

Man Watches Live Feed of his Aquarium on Television

Mostly Identified Flying Objects

Man of steel wool.

A man opens his curtains to wake up his cats.

New Sheik'n'vac magic carpet freshners.

"Oh no!"

"It's my pet mouse, Elvis. He was caught in a trap."

'I want a refund! It refuses to go into my son's room!!'

"Relax. I've come for your toaster."

Girl who has been bought an oversized chatelaine large household items hanging from it

'House calls can make you feel worse.'

Pop-up toaster.

'We named him 'Raisin Bran.' Every morning in the litter box, it's two scoops!'

Auto-Broom. It's the hottest new gadget. Everybody is getting this automatic broom! It's sweeping the nation!

"Hey! 'Made in U.S.A.'!"

Risks for the heart patient Unloading the Dishwasher "Sorry? No can do." Answering the Land Line R-R-RING! R-R-R-RING! N-nope R-R-RING!!! Doing Taxes "Doc said I should take it easy." Any Car-Related Errand "The old ticker."

ACME Exterminators (cat being dragged into a mouse hole