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'Take out the garbage?...Dad, that's so 90s.'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"The blow drier is broken."

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

'Harold, I told you not to eat the last piece of pie!'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

'Certainly you may come in for a drink. You live here.'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"Good grief, Bradbury! How long have you been working at home?"

"I’ve changed my mind. I no longer want to conquer the world. I just want to conquer those two..."

"I can't sleep... it's too warm in here."

"Please don't go!"

Hi love...one less for tea tonight

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

"Honest, D-D-Dad. My report card's 'in the cloud.'"

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'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

'Son, your teacher told me that you're having trouble focusing and other things that I zoned out on...'

How men shop for towels.

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