Housefly Humorist Pillows

'C'mon! Just step on treble twenty once, and you'll be in the gang!'

"I'm working from home today."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"Gimme a lite. Bug Lite."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'I really hate cleaning this thing.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'The owner plays in the NBA.'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

"I'd skip dessert. You'll be quicker on your feet."

"So. Are you a mime, a puppeteer, or a ventriloquist?"

Do you mind if I mix a little business with pleasure and have a brief conversation with the waiter about the fly in my soup?

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

For Sale: Red Arrow

Mistress Talking to Maid

Water the hydrangeas twice a week and trim as needed. The bromeliad only needs to be high-fives on Saturday, but you can give it high and low fives anytime you have a spare moment. Just, whatever you do, don't give it a "too slow" or it will turn inward and begin shutting down.

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

It looks like wood, but it's actually vinyl siding.

"It's the part about 60 take-offs and 54 landings that worries us."

This Semester's Report Card

How men shop for towels.

Dog tallying his score against the mailman.

"That's his idea of multi-tasking."

'Oh no, it's that 'come hither and do the dishes' look.'

"What's so funny about two monkeys in a bar?"

"It's O.K., I've got his car keys."

Valentines for Real Estate