Hotel Spa Fan Pillows

Do you think room service could bring me an ice lolly?

Complementary Beverages

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

Hairstyles

Gah! My Timotei is dead. - 'But what have we here? Tresemme with orange, mango, and passionfruit.' - 'Mmmm... passionfruit...' - '*Glug* *Glug* *Glug*' -

"Ed is back from his silent cocoon retreat."

Grim Reaper Checkout

God's Manicure.

Tanning salons to avoid. . .

Masseuse With Rolling Pin

"Was that the sensitive spot you were telling me about?"

I feel like he's undressing me and checking for irregular moles with his eyes. Dating a dermatologist.

'I'm finished with the towels so I left them on the floor. Now where can I leave my husband?'

"Hotel UFO! Yes - that's right our dining room opens at 5 and closes at 5:15!"

'Botox you fool! not buttocks!'

Hotel: Price List

"You should have been more specific when you booked a room with a sea view."

Dog: Ruff! Ruff! Ruff,ruff,ruff! Ruff,ruff! Valet Barking.

Massage Mushroom Cloud

'Sanitized for your protection.'

"I've been down here 50 years, but you'd never know it. Staying out of the sun has kept my skin fresh, firm and wrinkle-free."

"Front desk? There are no little candies on my pillow."

"You imbecile! I asked for a bigger 'pout'."

'Don't ya love relaxing at the beauty shop, Joy?'

"And she's had her tentacles waxed."

"Will you be requiring a wake up call?"

'Room service? Please send up a towel. In a minute sir, someone's using it.'

Sensitive Range: "Ooooh, you've hurt my feelings now...!"

"Help pay my minibar bill."

Toast Tanning

'Birthmark? Nope...no pocket protector during the great permanent ink pen leak of '72.'

'No matter how many times it's happened before, being pregnant is such a wonderful thing...'

'I don't know who it is, Sir, but I think you'd better break out the good stuff.'

'I saved for months, but I can now afford to have a pedicure...'

'...and we offer a complete range of amenities, including, 24 room service, concierge staff and complimentary belly rubs.'