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'And after you let him in, I thought he was one of YOUR relatives!'

'The child is very illogical'

Ralph spent his Sundays in the park gathering nuts.

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

"We're not really fighting, mom. We just need a little drama for our YouTube channel. Subscribers equal money."

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

'That's it gentlemen, we're broke. Anybody know any good jokes?'

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

"You don't understand, Mom. Our staying in and watching TV is not the same as you and Dad staying home and watching TV in Dayton, Ohio."

Welcome Bureaucrats! (Convention of bureaucrats).

"I can hear some rattling: Better start writing those birth notices Darling..."

'I think someone's asking to go out.'

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

'Like it? It's my digital vest, it calculates calories, portions and price per pound!'

'Hang on. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Apparently that's not a good idea.'

"Everywhere you look, there's a rate hike."

Ringtones Kids Can't Hear.

'I'll take the rest of this in a doggy bag.'

'Santa has been and he's taken our telly...'

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

"I was able to get you a 2-book deal."

'He's just de-man's-best-friended me.'

"Adulits don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAAAH!"

'Have you Googled your homework, yet?'

"Actually, he's developing at an absolutely normal rate for his age..!"

'We want to be ready for when he starts to read.'

Father to mother: 'Don't look now, but I think the baby just downloaded.'

'That was our first ashtray... we both quite and now we use it as a candy dish.'

"Andy plays perfectly well with others - it's others who don't play well with Andy."

'Take two of these and visit my website in the morning.'

Oh, all right. It's a win-win-WIN situation.