Hospital Day Pillows

'These robots will cut infections by 50%.'

"We'll have someone to help you as soon as we've recruited and trained them. Shouldn't be more than 5 or 6 years!"

No cell phones!

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

The cell phone soother for life.

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

He was different from the other doctors. For one thing, he refused to play God.

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

"Hope you don't mind, but I can't find my little hammer."

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

Keyworker

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"I remember when we first met you were an exhausted young doctor! Now you're an exhausted middle-aged doctor!"

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

'Nurse, why is there always a fly in my ointment?'

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

Barbeque Casualty.

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

'My medical school believed laughter is the best medicine.

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'