Hospital Comedian Pillows

'Let me explain what i mean about a 'Stool Sample' Mr.Hattnel.'

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

'I'd say the odds of your full recovery are good -- of course, I liked my pocket sevens last night, too.'

'Dr Krantz referred you to me? I was going to refer you to Dr Kranz.'

'Is there a doctor in the waiting room?'

"I'm glad you've been able to find new hires, but that's not what I meant when I said that we have a radiologist shortage to deal with."

Hospital bed shortages

'Before you get dressed my nurse will administer a mild shock treatment.'

"Any improvement since I brought the balloon?"

'We found your problem, you're allergic to bandages.'

'Your heart's in great shape, but I'd recommend transplanting all of your other body parts.'

"... No, it's not true that you can't eat anything after surgery - you can have lots of choices, like ice chips in a cup, ice chips in a bowl, ice chips a la ice..."

Surgery Instructions.

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

'And how dull is this pain?...'

"Didn't we go to university together? I studied medicine and you've obviously become an expert on pharaohs, haha!"

"Got it!"

"I hope your cast is not itchy, Stacy. I had an itchy cast on my arm once and it itched ALL the time. It felt like crawling ants! Itchy, itchy, itchy..."

MD trash talk... "Your mama is so dumb, she doesn't know endopeptidase from endopericarditis."

"That's a semi-private room for you. You caught his, and he caught yours."

"No wonder I'm getting feedback!"

'He said, but for you he wouldn't have stuck your credit card to the roof of his mouth in the first place...'

"The defibrillator's not for pressing panini."

'Is it bad news, doctor?'

Your plaster comes off today!

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

Surgery accident.

"Look, look … someone wrote unoperable."

"Your best hope is that my stethoscope is broken."

"I've been under a lot of pressure to get well."

Your body initially rejected the new kidney, but after we pumped you full of liquor, your body found the new kidney kind of attractive. We'll see what happens in the morning, though.

"It's a defibrillator, Mr. Soames, and no, you can't get Pandora on it."

It's just a precaution, the nurse can't find her wedding ring.

Tin Can Operation.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"