Hospital Anecdote Collector Pillows

'Hey, I'm glad to see you're still here. I thought you'd died!'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

Being Serenading in Casualty

"It will be okay to hop when you go home but don't try to run."

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

"Pay attention, 'switch it off switch it on again' does not apply to the life support machines."

Wards / Mortuary

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

Hospital porter leaving brain behind

"At first I thought it was just coincidence, then I noticed it corresponded perfectly to your shift."

'Don't get any ideas, mister -- I recognize that look in your eye!'

Are you sure you're not holding your breath?

'It's me, Jack Gurkenman! I'm your ophthalmologist with the broken left ankle, doctor!'

'Breast implants? There must be some mistake. I have you down for knee surgery not breast implants!'

'That's why patients shouldn't be told certain things.'

"You can't check my pulse while I'm checking your pulse!"

"Do you have someone to drive you home after your surgery? My car's in the shop and I could really use a ride."

"We never have any activities that make for cute anecdotes anymore."

"Your wife says she's experiencing nausea. Could you leave the room?"

'Nurse, that isn't a catheter you've just inserted. It's the other end of my hosepipe!'

"They're to remind me to change your bandages."

'I'm going to administer the anaesthetic.' - 'Okay.' - 'You might feel a little prick in your hand...' - '...as the bishop said to the-' - 'Men are less irritating under anaesthetic.' - 'Zzz...'

'I couldn't get the cap off the prescription bottle. What did you die of?'

'When I said this drug will wipe you out, I meant money-wise.'

'Well, a quick yank didn't work, either. Let's get you some lower tack bandages.'

"He's one tough cookie. I've never seen anyone bounce back from an autopsy before."

'What possessed you to stick a fork into the toaster?' 'It's easy to be wise after the event!'

"Quite unexpected......he just slipped into 'Happy Baby' and we never got him back."

"We'd like to go somewhere that will provide us with a rich source of after dinner anecdotes!"

'Just checking that you're my 5:25.'

"First the good news - I found my Rolex from your last operation."

'I did it at the skill centre'

"How are you since you swallowed that £2 coin?. . .Has there been any change?"

'You should consult my Doctor. You'll never live to regret it.'