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'Dang! The water's expired.' (Spring Water).

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Consider yourself lucky that you only got a little shaken up in that dryer--socks get lost in that thing and aren't ever seen again.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

In utero...boy, THOSE were the days!

Dad Trophies

'We found you in a cabbage!'

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Tequila Mockingbird

Rabies on board - a couple of rabid babies.

Yard Sale

"Maybe I'm aiming too high...maybe 'saving for a cool car' is too hard."

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'NO, it DOESN'T come on DISC!'

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"Pumpkin spice has been very good to me."

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'Yeah, bit how does the stork get into the maternity room?'

"And I suppose you forgot to bring home the milk."

'Guess who's teething?'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

"But Mom, you said it was a pup tent!"

"Relax, he could just be looking for fun."

'Henry, cut that out.'

"The blow drier is broken."

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

'You've made a breakthrough in FINANCIAL research?', 'Yep! - I split the ATM!'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

'Here's what she was reading - an articl called 'Parents can be fun'.'