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"We were sad last year when we couldn't have the whole family over for the holidays, right?"

"Are you insane?!" The Velveteen Skunk

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

'Ahhh...'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Uncle demonstrating chemical experiments to children

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

T"ruly, Susan, I envy no man."

"Oh, no - Karen baked a cake so dense that not even light can escape."

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

Christmas Tree

"Oh my gosh, honey! Look out!"

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"Hi-yah!"

You got that beer that the monks make, didn't you?

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"I'm afraid the challah got a little burnt this week."

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

"I'm not eating cookies before dinner. I'm having cookies for dinner!"

Duke of Clarence (Later William IV) Promenading with Family

"What makes you think I'm dripping it on my shirt?"

Barbecued dessert, anyone? The coals are PERFECT now!

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

"I ask that today is a good day...a day that brings family together...to show how we need one another."

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"

"See this jelly wobbling. It was waving goodbye."

'No. The television screen hasn't gone red - You've got tomato ketchup all over your glasses!'

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

The devil you know and his plus one

"Mommy's going to teach you how to make a hamburger."

Every time you make a blend, somewhere, a wine maker dies.

"I think I'm having pre-traumatic stress disorder."