History Pillows

"It's my smallpox vaccine scar. . ."

"We are neither hunters nor gatherers. We are accountants."

"Yes, Jeffrey, it too brave men to settle the West. But it also took a particular kind of courage to stay right here in Darien."

Trump is out

1715: Newton discovers gravel.

"We should make it past the rocks by nightfall, provided our luck holds."

Alternative Dickens: Scrooge Is Audited.

"Well, the sooner we get all this lead turned into gold, the sooner we can go home."

'Oh no - a Highwayman!'

"That's the deal for Manhattan. If you have to ask how much for the Hamptons, you can't afford it."

Lawrence of Suburbia

'What took you so long?'

"Well they look pretty undocumented to me."

"You're right -- this town is big enough for the both of us."

'S**t!'

"Liquor, gamblin', broads, tobacco. What's the Q stand for?"

Nigel Farage as John Bull

"Jack, we're going all the way to Abilene. Must you ride so close?"

Pilgrim to Indian: 'We'd like to buy your land. Do you take discover card?'

"I've invented the wheel but I don't want anybody to know about it yet."

"I'll be performing the operation, and this is the anesthesiologist."

"Og discovered fire, and Thorak invented the wheel. There's nothing left for us."

Ancient Grammar Police: 'Oh, for cryin' out loud...you never end a sentence with a . . .'

"I may be a jackal-headed god of the underworld, Janet, but I'm also your lawyer."

'Grandpa is showing us how they sent a text when he was a kid.'

"Those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it. Yet those who do study history are doomed to stand by helplessly while everyone else repeats it."

"Like that?"

'Just how long do you illegal aliens plan on stayin in our country?'

Tolstoy and Dostoevsky plan a collaboration - 'War and Punishment'... it'll make us a bundle.

8000BC invention of the printing process.

Early tech support

"Thanks a bunch. I'll just run these by our committee and pass them along."

'In the future, that should produce thousands of PhD theses.'

'Don't be ridiculous, man! Of course there's no 'exit strategy'!'

The Suppressed Paintings of Cavewomen