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"This is astounding, Al. You never struck me as a jaiku kind of a guy."

'Inside Ralph is a comedienne crying to get out.'

"And do you have any OTHER skills you can bring to the post apart from being able to burp the Beatles greatest hits?"

'So this is what you do while I'm away,'

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

"Lenders are a lot more cautious about 'interest free' mortgages these days. "

"Hire him. You can't teach shadows like that."

Executives are evaluated in Dancing With The Stars style.

'That should be an easy act to follow.'

"He's at grade level for everything except cursing. He's swearing at a 9th grade level."

"We started with fetch and heel, but we've moved on to impasto and chiaroscuro."

"She doesn’t fetch or roll over or anything really, but she’s a terrific whistler."

Art Museum: Our exhibit of forgotten masters continues with What's His Name...

"I'm a TV producer. I can get you on one of those fake judge programs, and you'll both become famous."

Well, it's not my fault if nobody bothered to tune the microphone.'

'You call that carol singing?'

Waiting to be discovered, or taken to work, whichever comes first...

"I don't get you. You can soft shoe, play the ukulele and juggle, but you can't fetch a pair of slippers."

'All I've ever wanted to do is dance!'

"She's good because she is our bookkeeper."

Jonny B Goode fails his first audition "You know, you play that guitar just like you're ringing a bell! Trouble is we need someone who plays like they're playing a guitar!"

'I'm gifted but I hide it well.'

'My mum can play the piano by ear.'

Pianist Fraud

"Harold is a closet intellectual and he's never coming out."

"I didn’t know you could play."

OWZAT...The beer-mat-flipping champion sets a new world record!

'...open beer bottles with his teeth.'

'Your huffing and puffing completely blew us away.'

'I just hope I don't get voted off first.'

'He's not too fast on his feet, but he's got a hell of a right hook!'

'This is Bob. He's really short, but he's got quick hands, watch.'

Shelly and Marv took Most Hirsute Husband for the third year running with their sensational 'scrub the floor' routine.

"Wow, Tia Carmen...that's amazing! How do you do it?"

'Uri Geller's First Job.' 'That's the 20th spoon you've bent today.'