Healthcare System Analyzer Pillows

"Give it to me straight. I want the truth. How much will all this set me back?"

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

Yesterday I had an argument with the janitor of my building, and then last night I dreamed that he was chasing me with a large ball-peen hammer

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

Safe spaces?

dog reading EKG

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

"Last week, when I was telling you about my Lou Ferrigno dream, were you fighting off a yawn? Do you go to therapy? What would you do if I touched your ear? Yes or no—am I insane?"

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

"Dogs can detect cancer, and mice can detect tuberculosis."

"I think I've found the trouble, Mr. Nadler!"

"Of course, you understand you can't possibly stay here tonight."

"Don't feel bad. Shallow people make my job easy."

Road Guilt

'It's simple. First we look at the upside. Then we look at the downside. Then we look at the upside-down side.'

"I have headaches, stomach, pains, aching muscles, back pains, creaking joints, nausea and dry eyes."

"I'm feeling great but I'm worried that that might just be a symptom!"

"Your tests are back. We've ruled out anything covered by your HMO."

'Tell me more about your premonition of impending dom, Mr Syms...'

"A specialist is a doctor with a smaller practice and a bigger home."

A prediction.

'Surgery is being outsourced now to a shop just down the block.'

Nurses in short supply.

"That may be, but if you-know-who loses his protected status we're all out on our butts."

'Sweet! Money to pay my health insurance premium!'

'I'm happy to say this makes grim reading.'

Boomers.

After record low admission levels, Private Hospitals began to run 'edgy' ad campaigns

"I've concluded a meta analysis of the myriad of tests we've run and I think I can say with a certain level of certainty that you are probably screwed...."

'We're looking for someone who has enormous confidence during the day and who wakes up worried sick at night.'

Rejected resumes.

"I think I may have stood next to someone who might have been near a place where they suspect one of their customer's partners could have had a temperature... So I've come for a Covid test."

The Great Divide