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Good News, Bad News - Save the Leg.

'Two Aspirins'...'Brain Tumor'

'I don't need informed consent to give you a sponge bath.'

"The pharmacist is on the phone, trying to secure prior authorization. Do you want to wait?"

'We combined all your medicines into one convenient dose.'

"You want access to my what?"

'I'd like you to meet my husband - he's a laparoscopic surgeon.'

'You'll be in a lot of pain after your operation.' - 'Okay.' - 'Side effects of the general anaesthetic can include vomiting, shivering, confusion, dizziness, headache...' - 'That's fine.' - '...and you'll need to fast for six hours before the operation.'

'There's nothing wrong with you, but I think everyone your age should be on at least one medication.'

'It's nothing to lose any sleep over. You just have insomnia.

'Don't forget me in this godforsaken donut hole!'

"I don't prescribe opioids anymore, so have your bartender fill this prescription."

Coming Soon - Maternity Clinic. Coming Soon After - Law Firm Dealing in Medical Malpractice.

"Hey, this anti-depressant you've come up with really works"

Arm reduction was costly. Fortunately most of his patients had deep pockets.

'Be honest with me, doctor. . . Is my sperm showing signs of aging?'

'Try not to think about your car-parking charges.'

Doctor to patient: 'Your test results are back. I've seen worse.'

'This is my hands-free Friday. I'll take a look and write a prescription, but I'm not touching you!'

'Please excuse my nurse -- this is her first day on the job.'

'Wendy! I'm glad you came over! I want you to see my baby's ultrasound hologram!'

"They no longer think Brexit will involve us getting £350 million a week, but we are getting a new stapler and some old copies of The Lancet!"

'Don't worry! If your self diagnosis turns out to be correct this time, this will take care of it.'

"It would be a great honor for me to be counted as one of your successes."

"We're going to run some tests: bloodwork, a cat-scan and the S.A.T.'s."

"My MP says I see my GP too often." . . . "My GP says I listen to my MO too often."

Proctology Dept.

"Speaking of which, thanks to the cost of Obamacare, sliced bread is the only thing I can afford to serve on Thanksgiving."

"You've got a bad case of Docwantsa Newkar."

'Well, on the bright side, you probably won't outlive your retirement savings!'

"You have what we are going to call Klitson's Disease, Mr. Klitson."

Gynaecologist.

'Uh-oh. This doesn't bode well.'

"He's a whiz kid."

'I'm not sure what it is yet, but it will be at least 6 car payments.'